|
One client’s story
(cont’d)
…I blamed my previous sexual sins. I blamed
how I looked. I blamed how I acted.
After the 1st year of marriage we moved to
California and my husband started traveling extensively with work. I
was growing ever more depressed and overweight. My husband was not
attracted to me in the least bit. We were two people who lived as
brother and sister when he was in town.
In 1996, my husband took a deployment in
Texas. I chose to go with him. I had no church family, no relatives
or friends, no job, no children, etc. I felt completely isolated. I
had a major episode of depression and was praying for God to end my
life. I got help. I was confronted with my co-dependency issues for
the first time. I really saw how I was trying to control my husband
by my behaviors. I read “Boundaries” and “Co-dependent No More”. I
also read a book called "His needs, Her Needs" and became aware for
the first time how vital a man's sexual needs are. I had no idea
where John was getting those needs met. He didn't come to me. After
eight months in Texas we returned to California.
In 1997, I joined a church sponsored program
that dealt with overeating. I was confronted with my issues of
worshipping food (not going to God with my pain, anger, etc.). I
really started to have a deeper personal relationship with my Lord.
In the fall, I joined Bible Study Fellowship (BSF).
In March of 1998, I gave birth to our first
son. I felt like Sarah. I laughed when I learned I was pregnant.
The fact that I became pregnant seemed almost impossible. My
husband and I had made love one time in 1997.
In the spring of 1999 I started emerging
from the fog of no sleep and non-stop breastfeeding. Through my
study at BSF God confronted me about my fear. How fear and faith
don't go together. I began facing my fear of water and learned how
to swim. God was with me every step of the way. I did not know that
He was preparing me for something much more frightening.
All through this journey of God changing me
I knew our marriage was not right. I prayed that God would reveal
the problem to me. In June of 1999 I discovered quite by accident
(really I believe by God's divine appointment) a box of woman's
clothing in the trunk of my husband's car. My first thought was he
was having an affair.
He lied at first. I believed the lie for a
week. I confronted him again. The truth came out. The woman’s
clothing in the trunk belonged to my husband. In that moment I
didn't understand, but God somehow enabled me to show mercy and not
rage.
I also felt greatly relieved that I now knew
I was not crazy. There was a problem and now it could be “fixed”.
Of course that is a whole other kind of crazy! But, one question
burned in my mind. Did he have true Godly sorrow that leads to
repentance or was he just sorry he got caught?
At that point I began the wife's quest for
information. I contacted Focus on the Family and they gave me the
phone number for a ministry that deals with cross-dressing issues. I
spoke to someone over the phone and they mailed me a packet of
information.
We also began couples counseling with a
Christian counselor. The counselor did not address my husband’s
issue as a sexual addiction. But she did help our marriage and
intimacy. I also attended BSF and was able to open up to a very
small group of special women who prayed with and for me. We prayed
especially that my husband would find another man to be accountable
to. My husband also started taking Ritalin for his ADD, which
increased his ability to relate and communicate. He didn't like the
side affects. After about 6 months he quit therapy and medication.
He became very depressed.
A friend suggested a book called “The Power
of A Praying Wife”. I prayed for my husband before, but this book
gave me words that truly expressed so much that I had been unable to
put into words. Through it God changed me. By Oct. of 2000 my
husband and I began trying to conceive another baby. I had accepted
that he would probably have relapses, but I still loved him. I still
wanted to have children with him. I became pregnant in Dec. and
miscarried in Feb. of 2001.
The miscarriage sent a whole new spin on our
intimate relationship. It also made me once again question my worth
as a woman. Question my body. Then in September of 2001 I found out
about the pornography addiction. He had been doing it the whole time
while we were trying to build trust. He had been lying in
counseling. He had been using the porn to fuel his cross-dressing
fantasies.
My question was answered. For 2 1/2 years my
husband had been sorry I caught him concerning the cross-dressing.
BUT also my prayers were answered. Following my torrent of rage my
husband decided to go to another man at our church. He told him
EVERYTHING. This man faithfully met with my husband weekly and
evidently got him involved with a weekly sex addiction group based
on the book called "Pure Desire".
For the past 3-˝ years, my husband has been
in and out of recovery. It has been a terribly painful journey,
especially when I have not trusted the Lord. When I have forgotten
that the wind and the waves obey Him. He is the calm in the storm.
I have seen real change in my husband and
myself. I have also seen my husband relapse and me go stumbling
after him. I have spent chunks of time in denial. I have spent time
feeling like it would be wrong to bring another child into this
marriage, but we did anyway. I have spent much time feeling like I
should make provision for myself and my sons to leave. Feeling that
I am a fool to believe that my husband will make the choice to
change.
I have also spent time feeling confused, fearful and hopeless. Then
I have spent time beating myself up for those feelings because I
know God is not the author of confusion or fear or hopelessness. I
know the road will still be long and hard, BUT God will be merciful
and show us the way. I do not know what that way will look like and
I am only now beginning to accept that.
(If you would like
to get in touch personally with the author, please send an email to
us and we will forward:
email to Lifehouse )
Return to the top of newsletter
===========================================
A Plan that Can Work
(cont’d)
Be
assured, the success rate is high for committed, hard working
couples who understand the difficulty of their journey. Led by a
professional and guided by an agreed upon treatment plan, you CAN
make it and when you do, your life, the addict’s life, the
relationship and the family will reach new levels that you probably
cannot imagine from where you are right now.
That is the
light at the end of the tunnel
– you
must never lose sight of it even though it may flicker, dim, move or
even go out for a short time.
Before
we look at a recovery plan (or model), let’s define what “success”
is and briefly consider the condition of the parties now seeking
recovery. The ultimate success is this:
1. recovery for the sex addict
2. recovery for the partner’s issues
3. restoration of the relationship
4. family wellness with emphasis on breaking the cycle of addiction
5. continued commitment by all to stay healthy (a life plan)
However, success may take other forms. These other possibilities
must be considered, understood and even planned for from the
beginning. The partner (co addict) recovers from her issues, the sex
addict does not and the partner moves on with her life separately.
The addict recovers, the partner does not work on her issues and the
relationship continues, but not in fullness and always with the
possibility of relapse. There are other scenarios and the point is
this; ONLY you can define “success” within the various scenarios.
The therapist guides, but you decide.
What
is the condition of the parties when seeking recovery? Of course
there are several stages depending on where you are in the addiction
relationship cycle. Commonly, the relationship has one of two
patterns. The first is the “Addict/Codependent Pattern.” The second
is the “Love Addict/Avoidant Pattern.” This second pattern is
usually where the female is the “love addict” and the male is the
“avoidant”. This pattern quite often leads to sexual anorexia more
so than the first pattern. (More on sexual anorexia –
HERE).
These patterns are more fully described along with the dynamics of
the relationship at:
http://www.healthymind.com/s-relationships.html
Let’s
look at a general recovery model (plan). Keep in mind that we are
dealing with human behavior and dynamic relationships which are
continually changing and will have variances from one couple to the
next. Even so, it is helpful to have a model to work from in
developing a working plan to fit each individual couple. In some
ways, using a model and developing a working plan is novel in the
sex addiction field.
First, we must clear up a huge misconception on the part of addicts
and partners alike. That is the time line for recovery. You have not
gotten where you are in a matter of a few weeks, months or even
years so don’t expect to recover in such short time spans. Dr
Patrick Carnes in his 1991 book “Don’t Call It Love (Recovery From
Sexual Addiction)” uses research to identify the stages of recovery
and lays out a time line for recovery. He puts recovery in a 5 year
process, but also concludes that what he calls the “Growth Stage”
begins at some point in the recovery process, usually after 2 years,
and continues for a lifetime. He does point out that at the time of
his research there were not many groups available for the addict and
practically none for the partner. He suspects good group work
will speed up the process some and may also inhibit relapses. Don’t
be discouraged by these suggested recovery times, but do be
realistic from the outset.
So,
what does our recovery plan look like? The following represents the
general steps we would typically recommend. The actual working plan
and its implementation would, of course, be individualized. It
cannot be emphasized strongly enough how important it is to develop
this plan with a professional, follow it, and always keep your eye
on the light at the end of the tunnel. This is your hope for the
future and the map for success and a better, healthier life.
Assume
the partner makes first contact with us. She has already confronted
the addict about what she knows of his addiction and he is basically
in denial or partial admittance. The relationship is turbulent (not
violent) and strained, but not collapsed. Both parties want the
relationship to continue, but want it to be improved. Neither has
any idea about what to do for self or for the relationship. The
partner basically thinks this is entirely the addict’s problem and
the addict either doesn’t think there is a problem or blames the
partner. This is our starting point.
STEP
1: After getting the partner’s emotions and anger under control, it
is very important to begin educating the partner about what it means
to be in a relationship with a sex addict and what part the partner
is playing. Reading materials and workbook exercises are
recommended. Some immediate boundaries, decided by the partner, may
need to be set in place. (This may take place over 2-3 hourly
sessions.)
STEP
2: The relationship may need to be “cooled off” if it has become
hostile, explosive or even avoidant. If the addict has not been
confronted with the full information about his addiction, then a
plan to do so is made. This plan will include boundaries. After
execution of the plan, the addict may continue with denial or he may
admit the behaviors (usually, will not admit all). Let’s assume the
addict makes an admission and an agreement to seek help. (1-2 hourly
sessions)
STEP
3: The relationship needs some work right away, especially if there
are children involved. The therapist will decide if it is beneficial
to meet with the couple together or the addict separately in order
to set some boundaries and guidelines for a more healthy
interaction. Relational exercises (like praying and doing feeling
exercises together daily) will be introduced to restore some
intimacy and positive contact. (1-3 hourly sessions)
STEP
4: Both parties need to see a therapist individually and begin to
work on their issues. If the addiction is severe, abusive, dangerous
as to sexually transmitted diseases or possibly criminal, then a 3
day intensive at our counseling center may be indicated. Either
through the intensive or individual counseling, the addict must come
clean and admit all to the partner. A plan for recovery with
“rules”, boundaries, consequences and accountability is formulated
and agreed upon. A “plan B” is also made and agreed upon which
includes consequences if the main plan is not followed or if there
is extended relapse or disengagement by the addict.
STEP
5: Each party should enter a weekly 12 step group. The partner joins
a group appropriate to her situation. In group, she works on
workbook exercises, 12 step exercises, sharing and accountability.
If the addict is anorexic, he should join a group that focuses on
that. Otherwise, his group work will be similar except that early
focus is on methods to stop the acting out and avoid the triggers.
An accountability partner should be established for every day
contact, if necessary. Partner groups should last a minimum of 16
weeks and/or until the planned objectives have been met. The
addict’s group should last much longer – at least 6 months and until
at least 9 of the 12 steps are met. Accountability should continue,
as a lifetime habit.
STEP
6: Individual counseling for each continues with in depth work on
underlying issues like family history, trauma, abuse, co-addictions,
co dependency, etc. Each must come to an understanding of how they
got to this point, what issues they have personally, and how to
resolve those issues. The therapist guides them through this process
with an eye on the overall recovery plan. The time, focus, intensity
and work will be unique and determined by the therapist. If there is
more than one therapist involved with the couple, there should be
collaboration between the therapists to harmonize the process and
compare and evaluate progress.
STEP
7: The therapist (or therapists if more than one involved) will
determine when the couple should be brought together for relational
counseling. This could be fairly early in the therapy depending upon
the progress and maturity of each in following their recovery plan.
A healthy relationship cannot be restored if one or both of the
parties are still struggling. This relational counseling will
include new ways to communicate, work on intimacy, honest and open
feelings, boundaries for each, setting sexual expectations and goals
and basic marriage counseling techniques.
STEP
8: At this time, the couple’s recovery plan is revisited and revised
as necessary to reflect the dynamics in play and a longer term plan.
A decision about continuing individual counseling as well as group
should be made at this time. The new plan should really be a “life
plan”, but still include boundaries, consequences and above all,
absolute accountability for behavior. A plan for continued contact
with the therapist should be made. The therapist should decide if
that contact should be individual or with the couple and at what
intervals of time between sessions.
These
steps represent a model from which a specialized plan can be
devised. All parties should completely understand the plan, agree to
it and commit themselves completely.
The biggest
problem we see with couples in recovery is their lack of commitment
to the necessary hard work, time and cost involved (we are referring
to BOTH partners – not just the addict).
Failure to recover and restore the relationship is usually a result
of failing in one or more of those commitments. What price are you
willing to pay to overcome your issues and make the rest of your
life happy and healthy? Our experience says it is worthwhile to do
WHATEVER IT TAKES! Early in the recovery, the
enthusiasm and motivation is high and the commitments come easily.
It’s that long term road that holds the dangers for relapses and
disengagement from the plan.
Overall, you should only work with trained sexual addiction
therapists and preferably ones that have a working relationship
established. It will become very important that the therapists
collaborate or one therapist takes over for both partners in the
relationship recovery period. It may be helpful to have local
accountability or additional group support through your church or
community but be careful you do not invite too many “opinions.” This
can often lead to complications, confusion and a hindrance to
accomplishing the goals of your therapy plan.
In
summing up, the general approach is to get initial individual
counseling for both partners. An intensive workshop may be
necessary. The relationship needs some early “calming down” and
relational exercises to promote more intimacy and communication are
started. Each partner should be directed into a professionally led,
12 step group that is appropriate for their circumstances. Therapy
then progresses to work on each individual’s underlying issues and
family history problems. The therapists will determine the time when
the couple is ready to be brought back together to work on long term
relational restoration. Family work may need to be done. Finally,
with one therapist in control, a long term “life plan” is
established that includes time intervals for continued contact with
the therapist.
Make
the plan, do the work, keep your commitments and your life and
relationship will become all that God intended them to be. We all
want you to live happily and be healthy for evermore!
The
End!
If you have further
questions or need clarification, email Al here:
freshwind@adelphia.net
“Walking in Recovery Through the Ups
and Downs”
(cont’d)
Betrayal and
exploitation are not the normal, but they have appeared "normal"
because the trauma and drama have distorted your perceptions. Your
task is to face the reality without the distortions.
Scientists have
studied trauma in rats and noticed that those rats who received
electric-shock treatments in little boxes returned to those little
boxes when they experienced stress from other sources. It was
familiar and so they ran back to it. Many partners are like this.
They begin recovery and when the stressors hit, they run back to
the familiar. Recovery requires staying in reality and sticking to
the boundaries you have specified in your recovery plan. This will
upset other people who will make countermoves to get you to
"change back." Your mission is not to allow the "change back" to
happen.
Boundaries force
a restructuring of the relationship with self. Many partners have
"de-selfed" in order to survive in the relationship with their
partner. When they set new boundaries, they may not be taken
seriously or the partner will call these “demands” or
“ultimatums”. Since the partner has not been used to sticking to
or even having boundaries, they may think it easier to "change
back" and act in the old way. This is where good counsel from a
professional can help and encourage you that it is the right thing
to do.
You will become
a person who is respected and who has value when you set
boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Also, they will define
who you are and what you need. This will cause a new trust in self
to emerge that has been buried in the addiction. You learn you can
and will take care of self which creates a sense of safety. By
being trustworthy to self, you can now give yourself over to your
heart passions and not those dictated by someone else or an
addiction. If the partner does not respect these boundaries, they
will have to leave or you will get sucked back into the circle
again.
The actual first
part of the process of recovery for the partner is beginning to
look at self. If you focus on the partner and what they are or are
not doing, you will get sucked back into the circle. Once you have
set your boundaries and decided to live in reality, the process of
your work has begun. It is not easy because you have not lived
this way and you may have even lost a total sense of self. You
have most definitely not been trusting self or you would not have
gotten to the point where you are presently. Work with a
professional who can guide you through some of the issues from
your original family and help you see problems that may have been
passed down generationally. As you begin to do this work, a
paradigm shift in your thinking occurs as you are taking a look at
you. Of course, the issues of the relationship are still there and
that involves attention as well.
If he is in
recovery, both of you are doing this same work while trying to
build some intimacy and believing behaviors in the relationship.
If he is not in recovery, you are forging ahead in your own work
while deciding how to handle the problems arising in the
relationship. In either of these cases, you are deciding what
needs you have and if they are being met or not. In the case of
him staying in denial and not getting help, you may have to
separate out physically or relationally. Again, a professional can
help you with this process.
In the case of
both of you in recovery, many clients are excited at first and
think everything will be fine now as long as we both work the
program. This is rarely true. It is a PROCESS and will not happen
in a short time frame just as it did not get out of control in a
short time frame. It is not unlike dieting and expecting to lose
all those pounds you gained over a long period of time in a month.
It just isn't possible. It is also not reality to think that
everything will go smoothly. There will be many ups and downs.
This is what usually gets the recovery process sidetracked.
Living through
the ups and downs is reality and is part of the process. If you
are committed to recovery, it is imperative that you expect ups
and downs. You will get discouraged and even disgusted with the
process. Many times, you will want to give up and throw in the
towel. This is also where you need a professional to help sort it
out and get you back on track. Like all addictions, sex addiction
has strong tentacles and temptations. It is up to your partner to
do their work, but it is also up to you to know when to detach or
when to not be so rigid, but it is always up to you to stay
focused on one fact: No matter what, I am not going to lose
self in this process and I am going forward in recovery of my self
no matter what!
The
hardest part I see in my practice is for partners to stay focused
on their own work and have that be okay.
They are constantly reporting the things
their partner is or isn't doing. They just cannot seem to stop
themselves from trying to "fix" their partner. This is always a
recipe for distraction and getting off course of their own work.
The principle of this is going back to old behaviors of too much
blaming, worrying, fixing, bailing out, protecting, getting angry,
or simply paying too much attention with too much intensity. Then,
the focus on self decreases, with less energy going toward
identifying and working on their own relationship issues and
clarifying their own goals and life plan. When this happens, the
addict will stay in their sickness longer and so will you.
You simply
cannot decide to stay in reality and cut back your reactivity
while focusing on another person's problems. It just can't happen.
You have enough work to do on your own issues and should set your
focus on these challenges. Doing this will help you avoid becoming
overly focused on, and reactive to, your partner. Remember, you
cannot change anyone but yourself and you do not have the
right to do it if you could.
In conclusion,
to get through the ups and downs of the recovery process, stay
close to the professional guiding you, keep your focus on you
and discovery of self, stick with boundaries you need for you,
and have a plan both for recovery of the relationship together and
another one in case your partner chooses not to stay on the path
to recovery.
===========================================
Return to the top of newsletter
THE END
We hope you enjoyed the Newsletter and found the information
helpful. We would like to hear from you with comments, questions,
suggestions or future contributions. Please email us here:
SEND EMAIL
If you would prefer not to
receive this newsletter once every month, please send the
following email and we will remove you from the list.
Please unsubscribe me from your
newsletter
|
"LIGHTING THE WAY TO LIVING WELL"
